This afternoon I found myself staring at my computer screen without really being able to read it. I was distracted because I was thinking about how much I wanted cake. Every time I tried to drag my attention back to my work, it drifted again. I was imagining how a chocolate brownie would feel in my mouth.
It took me a long time before I went to the cafeteria and bought some cake. Why? If I had wanted a coffee I would have gone and gotten one immediately. It should be simple: I want cake, therefore I eat cake. It should not be a massive moral dilemma.
I ran five miles today, six miles yesterday. I probably need the calories because I don’t want to lose weight. I eat a lot of healthy things: mainly living on vegetables, pulses, fresh fruit and nuts. But really, none of this should even matter. If you want something, and it isn’t doing anybody any harm, just fucking eat it.
I enjoyed today’s brownie so very very much. It got rid of my headache, my craving, and it tasted amazing. But I still felt a bit guilty about eating it. I’m a foodie: I love cooking food, talking about food and trying new food. I don’t want my eating experiences to include anything other than pure enjoyment.
I certainly don’t want to feel guilty. I mean, what’s with that? I have no sensible reason to feel guilty. But as much as I try, I can’t always stop a voice in the back of my head breaking my own rules about how to talk about food.
I don’t want this. I just want to have my cake, and eat it. Is that too much to ask?